January 20 2010 Wednesday

MUSIC: Flower - L'Arc en ciel |BOOK: Childhood's End - A. Clarke | KOI: M

A BIBLIOPHILE's MOMENT

★ I keep forgetting to blog about this. NEW BOOKS = ABSOLUTE . It came, I came, it was all good that way haha~ Believe me the contents of the Barnes & Noble box keep me so happy just by looking at it (I go home tired, go to my room and just open the box on my bookshelf and voila!) I haven’t been in the best of moods lately (school stress = FAIL) and knowing me, the mere presence of good books to read make everything worthwhile.

★ My brand new books include: Nine Stories by J.D Salinger, Biting the Sun by Tanith Lee, Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynn Jones, A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess and The Infernal Desire Machines of Doctor Hoffman by Angela Carter All of these books made me hoard bookstores (Fully Booked, National Bookstore, Book Sale, Books for Less, etc) and their respective branches except Howl’s Moving Castle which is available at Fully Booked branches. And now—they are all mine! My cousins Ate Mench and Kuya Bob are so brilliant!

I DID A SICK, SICK THING TO MY LOVE: a poem generated by a meme

★ NOTE: This entry was posted on my Facebook account way back and I found this so amusing so I decided to re-blog this :) I do love answering these memes. I never get tired of it ever I love Val, Bet & Diane for tagging me to do this. This is a combined effort of my favorite artists currently included in my iPod XD

★RULES: 1. Put your music player on shuffle
2. The first lines of twenty songs = a poem
3. The first line of the twenty-first song is the title

I DID A SICK SICK THING TO MY LOVE

Red eyes and tears no more for you my love I fear
An introverted kinda soul,
Kill me if you dare
We'd be so less fragile
Bored holes through our tongues, so sing a song about it
If I could hold, hold out for now
I'll be your water bathing you clean
I won’t stand in your way
I'm home alone tonight
Come waste your millions here, secretly she says
Freedom and blood
I listened in, yes I'm guilty of this
Spin your body around
Please leave all overcoats, canes and top hats with the doorman
Sucker love is heaven sent
When I first laid eyes on you
You don't understand me
She's so cold and human
When our mouths are filled with uninvited tongues of others
You could be my unintended

★ I don’t know what to make of my results with this meme but all I can say is that this poem is very me—not because of the circumstances that you could infer from the lines (hmm…) but the while gritty, angst atmosphere of it. Apparently I’m very into passionate, tough, choking love (and lust… could be... When our mouths are filled with uninvited tongues of others). You tell me. Try this! Would you try to guess the songs and the artists used in this generated poem?

January 11 2010 Monday

MUSIC: Ash - ELLEGARDEN |BOOK: Lasher - A. Rice | KOI: M

GREAT, just fucking great

The past few days turned up to be an unbearable drag and such leaves me more fidgety, a little bit more restless and wistful. I’ve been mall hopping and spending to satisfy my restlessness and impulsive crave (among other things) which ended me spending more than I should. Those instances resulted in a cream colored bubble dress (which I love), an epic black blazer which brings me the feeling of instant masculinity and security and…

Make up, which my cousins bought me from the US. It's so cool that they always buy me make up every time they arrive without me asking for any. Lancôme Paris & Estée Lauder are brilliant brands.

Surprise! I actually bought a planner for myself! I’ve been into planners for the most of my high school days and stopped once I entered college and that was until now. It’s one of those Korean planners with a different design for each page. EPIC DEAL.

★ Unfortunately the attempts to distract myself lately have been futile. I FUCKING MISS TATAY. I have to see him now na, please? As in now na? I’m not in a very good disposition lately especially since I’m realizing it’s another year and we’re all supposed to be together in one house pestering each other, laughing silly all together and fucking doing what our family usually does. I’ve tried my hardest to be involved in school, with my friends, with people, with a whole lot of things, with weird crap news, hospital duties, weird antics and tried my best not to be in such a low miserable rut (which I am in right now). And you just know at the end of the day from now on you won’t be seeing him in the car’s passenger seat accompanying Nanay to pick me the fuck up. And I know and hear and probably will hear all this crap from people saying: it’s gonna be okay, he’s in a better place, his death was peaceful, he’ll be watching over you, you can’t cling on to him like that it will make his passage more difficult and bloody fucking fuck fuck blah blah. This is just the worse feeling right now and I know it will come to us some time but for me it’s now and it just sucks so much.

January 10 2010 Sunday

MUSIC: Koukasen - ELLEGARDEN |BOOK: Lasher - A. Rice | KOI: M

THINGS THAT R LOVES

KICK ASS trailer | must watch this haha Red Mist

♥ adorable planners from Korea at a reasonable price | ♥ M's laugh, which always puts me in the best mood whenever I hear it | ♥ The way M says "ass" because it always sounds like "arse" | ♥ my clustermates-- I've never had groupmates (apart from my close school friends of course) like this and we actually complement each other on a lot of things! It's a brilliant coincidence! | ♥ holding conversations in my head | ♥ my new mp3 player Circe, which holds 4gb & she has a screen! | ♥ book deals and unexpected book finds in unexpected places | ♥ Christoph Waltz -- that man is basically an epitome of class & basically excites and captivates me | ♥ Quentin Tarantino & Inglorious Basterds *sigh* THANK YOU! | ♥ Tay visiting me in my dream today | THESE COLLEGE COURSES wow~ just... wow | ♥ my new alias as local psycho witch in Overlord's court: Vesper Esalaeris, the Marquessa of Vermillion Mirages | ♥ the awesome fucking friends at school-- make my day extra surreal & twitch-y & happier | ♥ "gender bender" conversations with the boy & fighting after & laughing about it much later | ♥ HAHA this made me LULZ~ I'm a Gemini and I remember some close friend of mine described me the same way as how the Gemini is described here WHUUT | ♥ my shoulder bag with the Union Jack on it | ♥ garlic bread (I can never have too much of it) | ♥ Etude House which satisfies the girly cravings for make-up & their products works well with my skin! | ♥ Attack of the Show | ♥ Morbid Anatomy's christmas greetings! haha It always cracks me up whenever I remember this | ♥ going back to my j-rock roots: mmm~ L'Arc en ciel, Dir en Grey, Gackt, the Gazette, Alice Nine, Baroque... | ♥ my digital copy of Suehiro Maruo's "The Rose Colored Monster" ~ always gives me the kicks whenever I crave crackpot/ visionary/ surreal Japanese mangas

epic BAMF! Gilbo~ own me you sexy raping stomping, parading, warrior, dork beast! :))


PRUSSIA & DENMARK IN ONE PHOTO! EPIC GOLD!

♥ fuck. I really, really, really miss Tatay. fuck talaga.

January 6 2010 Wednesday

MUSIC: Gravity - Sara bareilles |BOOK: Lasher - A. Rice | KOI: J

INTO YOUR GRAVITY

★ New movie featuring Louis Garrel as a teacher. French movies + Louis Garrel + teacher roles = deadly combination. Check it out here

★ O HAI ORSINO IN FACEBOOK (it’s only now that that the whole thing sunk in when a month has already passed). You were the unintended focus of my attention a year ago. Yup, those were definitely the days.

Word's on the streets and it's on the news:
I'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you
He's got two left feet and he bites my moves
I'm not gonna teach him how to dance, dance, dance, dance!

★ I have a new mp3 player. I’ve named it Circe (out of a whim). It’s apparently 4 GBs and can store videos and pictures as well. The verdict? Sorry, looks like I won’t be letting go of Madeleine (my purple iPod shuffle) after all. Circe has some… cons. No exactly the total package but hey, she has a screen and a lotta size for my music. And nope, unfortunately Circe is not Apple but an Arcsoft child.

★ Fine educators, where are you?

★ My sister apparently told me to stop reading books other than nursing books while I’m still studying. And I was so ticked off reading that from the e-mail. Does she want me to follow Tatay months later?

Didn't mean to do you no harm,
I just underestimated my charm.
And if I ever bother to tell you the truth,
oh, baby, you're too much sugar
for my sweet tooth.

★ I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

December 31 2009 Thursday

MUSIC: Exogenesis: Symphony: Part 3 (Redemption) - MUSE |BOOK: Lasher - A. Rice | KOI: M

2009: R's Year in Retrospect

★ 2009 was a year of many accomplishments, the ones which involve this whole nursing gig because despite hours of standing and running about in the areas I was assigned to with my calves burning, refreshing my mind over and over again to properly read a book to pass cut throat exams (especially the GNQE), me desperately hoping for some distractions, the headaches, sleepless nights, burning eyes (and soul) at the repetitive tasks… I AM ALIVE AND WELL. No seriously, for those of you who know me well and were with me when these crazies happened, you saw my sour façade winning over my extensive patience or the moments of pure randomness bought about by the process of losing yourself in the ghastly process of academia (especially when forced into it). In the end of it, the mere fact I haven’t slumped to the lowest of the low in terms of dignity and pride, motivated me so much more for the future I envision for myself.

★ 2009, for me, was basically a ball of excitement of the glimpses of each possibility that was being offered to me and yet again finding my own niche after feeling so ‘misplaced’ from my world of comforts (the ‘re-sectioning’ thingy that happened this school year). And of course the where will my 2009 be without the uncertainty and the potential for disaster in everything.

★ 2009: the time when a long lost feeling came to me that I felt so reckless, emboldened and I practically glittered for the sake of love or the illusion of it. It proved to me yet again how unchanged I am in that area.

★ 2009: The year I was teetering close to murdering my intact good self since I was so disillusioned with everything around me including my self. The disappointments, what ifs, false hopes, and ghosts that mock and continue to haunt me in the blur of consciousness and everyday waking. The daydreams pile up and despair was close but apathy was coming faster. Disenchantment of life, which was a dreadful time because I was losing the bright eyed excitement for my environment and it became difficult to look for those flashes of inspiration and it took more convincing to do so. I was so tired.

★ My father’s passing though sad (until now) was the jolt I needed. Time was running and I have to run with it. It shouldn’t be that every grand dream and ambition I have for myself seem so far away; it was me distancing myself from it because I flailed to miserably when life bites. I HAVE TO WANT IT… rather, I HAVE TO NEED IT; I NEED IT. To this coming New Year, this coming decade, I am taking with me a self that I carefully and almost failed to protect from cynicism, regret, loss and misanthrope. As I said, I would face the field of life, piece by piece.

★ Oh my friends, my darling, darling friends, all of you I LOVE YOU! The faces, smiles and gestures and adventures you gave me that make life what it is—that make my life what it is! I’m so blessed to have met the most brilliant visionaries/ artists/ musicians/ future nurses/ crazies/ dancers/ life enthusiasts/ drama queens and kings/ pseudo lovers/ lovers/ beautiful boys and girls as my friends in this stretch of life that share with me moments and interactions that threaten to explode with happiness. I LOVE YOU.

Welcome the New Year with untainted hope with confidence and enthusiasm that seeps through our every step and every word! Allow ourselves to fall in love as if it was the first time and drive to our ambition and dreams, no longer just words, but something so clear and tangible. Happy New Year!

December 30 2009 Wednesday

MUSIC: Exogenesis: Symphony: Part 2 (Cross-Pollination) - MUSE |BOOK: Lasher - A. Rice | KOI: M

FUCK YOU I AM RIZA!

★ For several days, you lay on your bed or sit in the chair downstairs in the corner of the living room and heard tears, the telephone’s ceaseless ringing, hot water pouring from a pewter pot for coffee for a little perk up to be up and about. You think: why not just lie there and rot, catching dust, pale and your voice choked in—it is so EASY. A picture of a wreck, time and tears vicissituding around you and this feeling: surging, cool, sliding and distant. Or simply pass on and be carried with the air, thrown off to some limbo in the far nebulae. All of it in its tempting languorous ease. By squandering off a good number of words, by this time you should be able to peer into me for the past number of days I’ve been absent in this virtual home.

★ The sudden passing of my father brought about certain anxieties (among other things) I’ve been keeping for a good number of years. I’ve recently lost a surprisingly vital aspect of the familiar comfort I cling to for my dear life and now come in the sensations of being shrunk and dulled. My mother and I know it, (despite not talking about it) of this state wherein we are wrinkled: all those rainbow extensions of our dreams and spirit lost luster, the colors blanching out. It’s been quite a challenge not to succumb to ease of not fighting.

★ I along with my mother have been terribly exhausted from the events that followed the 23rd and for 4 days since my father’s burial, we have been preoccupied with making the necessary arrangements and the cleaning up that needs to be done. We’ve recently rearranged the set up of the master bedroom, sorted out all the junk and of course, Tatay’s things. We were cautious in every decision we had to make because it was his memory that was riding on this. It’s been a long 4 days for us and I felt exactly how I described it when I began to write this. You could see me sitting, mindlessly channel surfing on the telly, then Channel V comes up and then I hear—

Don't give up the fight You will be alright
'Cos there's no-one like you In the universe
- Invincible by MUSE

★ It’s brilliant how the forces of the Cosmos speak to you and it so happen it speaks to you through the best medium to talk some sense into you. Oh Muse, where will I be without your music?

★ As I always say, I only have myself and this self would last me until the end. How unperfect, awkward, indecisive, tense… I have a good self and my ‘murderer self’ as I would like to call it. My ‘murderer self’ would kill me, kill my good self, demanding that it be a paragon, an ideal and saying it should run away if it is anything less. Life is a series… no, rather it is a painful trial and error sequence we have to through and no one escapes it. From that point on I’ve witnessed and felt death and the loss of a life not yours come so painful to you and how time does waste all of us: I will doggedly do my best and know it for that, no matter what others say! I will learn with life (this is me humbling myself, getting back with a few basics), with pain trial and error. I have a responsibility, not merely a job or an obligation but something I instinctively gave myself: a responsibility to my family and most importantly to myself. This is something that others face with groans or with joy or dogged determination or maybe with disdain. But they face it and here comes the New Year round the corner and it would mark my first active facing of life and responsibility.

★ My fight is always with me—my murderer would want me to run away, screaming, if I’m going to function with flaws. It wants me to think I am nothing. But here I am: a person who gets tired, fallible, has shyness to fight still standing. Facing the field of life, piece by piece rather than running from it the minute it hurts… that I would be able to do if I get through the New Year beating down my own murderer whenever it comes up.

★ Here’s comes R: a little more ruthless, a little more busy in her mind, calculating, quelling the insanity that moved up several inches, maintain a calm front and fighting it all in the precincts of her own self. Here’s to: facing life on our own terms and making the best of the “jobs” we have, NOT to flee from life and ruin ourselves because we can never be perfect right away, without failure and the pain.

P.S: please excuse the "FUCK YOU I AM CAT" photo. The epicness of it was so appropriate of how I felt when things finally dawned to me. LOLCATS are so convenient at times like this.

December 29 2009 Tuesday

MUSIC: Unforgettable - Nat King Cole feat. Natalie Cole |BOOK: Lasher - A. Rice | KOI: M

I GET A KICK OUT OF YOU

★ My father passed away on the morning of the 23rd of December. It was too late when we saw him: he seemed comfortably propped up with a pillow, on my parent’s bed, with his eyes closed (forever). And to touch him and feel his cold skin, to hear his lack of breathing and feel no pulsating vigor at all up until the attempts to revive him at the emergency room—that was the most painful thing I’ve ever felt in my life. My Tatay, 84 years old… so damn early! And as I write this, I stumble at the words to say; me breaking through the barriers, in great pain and yet another shell of the so circumscribed understanding of a comforting existence is shattered. My hands could not catch up to the stream of words and the flooding cathartic tears that would not stop. These tears that angle for life, hope and comfort even as my Tatay is somewhere across this plane of existence (the Roman Catholic Heaven, Elysian Fields, Fiddler’s Green, etc.) making his journey, away, away, away…

★ I don’t need “escape”, I need rest. My Tay would not have wanted this—he would demand or rather pester me to get my shit together and attend my school and get proper grades and make him proud, his eldest and only girl. His pestering, I miss the most. The passenger seat at the car, it would be empty whenever my mom drives me to school and duties and picks me up and he would always, always be there. It was like that since high school and it would be like that till I graduate from college. Until, well… My (split) personality, my Nanay tells me, I got from my father: the extremes of his intolerable cruelty and shrewdness versus his most gentle, generous and vibrant countenance—these characteristics she loves best and made her fall in love with him.

★ My life with my Tatay: who was he? The reflection of life more often takes the form of reflection on human existence, which I believe and by human existence I would mean ‘it’ being a limited and contingent, ungrounded and thrown in into our world without any justification. By experiencing death (the loss of my Tatay) my interest in death come double-fold. Death illuminates the concrete existence of an individual—helping us understand what is limited, unique, problematic or precious in this existence. On the other hand, our concepts of the nature of the person, of concrete life, can illuminate the event of dying. Complementary and by this event, comes a paradox: a painfully comforting realization on my relationship with my Tatay.

★ He was so difficult at times and I carefully nursed rage at him for being such an imposing authoritative figure, the “coercive silver spoon” (one of the metaphors I use to describe him in my journals). But in the end I love him too much to hate him for the rest of my life and Tatay being such a difficult person was important in the end. He taught me strength (I learned that the hard way but the best way), tolerance and acceptance, expanding my own ego and accepting other’s perspective on life but still this took some time because his ego was so big and so was mine and we pushed each other so much until it hurt. The most important gift he gave me was giving my mother a good life, the best life she could ever ask for (she said) and thus, we were all safe under his comfort, no matter how he was sometimes a bully, how annoyingly perky and frustrating he was. I miss how noisy he was, how insistent he was on everything, how he gets surprised whenever someone sneaks up on him.

★ On the day he left us, I was supposed to make his Christmas gift, if I couldn’t find/ buy one in the malls. A collection of his favorite songs from the early 40s to 70s though I ended up pooling only a few songs that were close to his heart specifically the 50s songs (post WWII). These are the songs I grew up to with him and they would always be timeless for our family (especially for my mom since most are their love songs for each other) and he’s got a fine ear for music, describing Perry Como's, Frank Sinatra’s and Nat King Cole’s voices as creamy like café lattes and with such apt styling and power and even “bawat kanta nila may mas malaking range of emotions lalu na ang enthusiasm nila sa bawat kanta, rining mo ba yun Joy (me)?”

★ Tay, later palitan ko na lang yung Chupa Chups mo sa altar ha? Strawberry naman. I love you.